ReActivate

Jul. 26th, 2017 01:03 am
sonochesono: (TPATF: Fray)
[personal profile] sonochesono
I'm not sure how far I am through the ReActivate course (textbook.) A lot of it I remember. Some of it I need to review. Some things I need to review a lot.

I'm excited at the idea of becoming involved in the local dive community. I only hope I can start getting involved in 5k runs, as well. The main problem with running is that finding the time to train with two jobs is hard.




Learning about codependency has been really hard. I feel weary. I think of things I've tried to control so long and have finally stopped trying to control them. I think of all the ways I've let myself be a doormat over the years. I hurt over people I lost - either because I pushed them and hurt them, or because I imagined we were closer and more intimate than we were and opened up too hard and too fast.

I've cried a lot the last week. It hasn't all been bad. There's been a lot of thinking about the ways I isolated myself, the way I pushed people away, all the ways I became a husk and tried to fill my identity by attaching myself to another person. People I hurt specifically because I wanted to make sure they were never in my life again. People I've neglected because I was so worried what they thought of me. That stuff hasn't been pleasant. Of those things, the most harrowing has been Memo, because Memo really never did anything really wrong. It just sucked that he found his soulmate when he did.

There's been a lot of confusion - a lot of attempted thought as to who I am, what I like. That feeling, the feeling of being empty or blank. It's a sign of depression and codependency. Undeveloped or neglected self. If I don't know, it's a chance to look for experiences.

I cut a lot of people from FaceBook, and plan to cut more. If we don't talk or hang out, we're not friends, and I don't want to pretend to be friends with people. I want to work on being the person I am.




Some people at work are really mad that I went skydiving without inviting them. It's really funny, because I kept inviting people skydiving over the last year. And people keep making excuses for why they couldn't go.

And a lot of these people don't invite me anywhere. Or they bail. They don't invite me to parties, they don't invite me clubbing, they bail on running or hiking.

And I was just thinking, you know what? Why don't you just get back to me on that when you think about how I've felt, the past year, the past two years... When you go around inviting people to parties while I'm standing right there and you don't invite me out. Or when you all are going to Knott's Berry Farm without me. Or even just dropping by Barnes & Noble.

Maybe it's not gracious, but no one earned any grace from me there. It hurts. It hurts to see everyone out and having fun all the time without giving me any chance to participate. It hurts to be generous and give my all and try to be genuinely nice to everyone, and then no one wants to hang out unless it's a huge event like skydiving. It hurt when Jordan bailed on Irish nachos or hiking, or flaked on sending his schedule - and then finding out he was going to parties with co-workers or see him running through to get alcohol to go drinking with other people. It hurt to see Amanda and Sam hanging out on FaceBook, and Sam not stopping by to say hi to me at all. What'd I ever do to Sam?

So screw 'em. My plan is to keep exploring my own mind this year. See what I like. See what makes me tick. I was thinking about starting a vlog, maybe? Based on the idea of doing things solo. And maybe I'll do group outings as well. But I think doing things by myself or with strangers and acquaintances (e.g. clubs) will be important.

And I don't feel like going skydiving with people who can't be bothered to invite me out to a party or make it for a job. I don't feel like going on adventures with people who can't bother to text me, or constantly bail on planned outings.

It's not something I want to do. I want people in my life. But I want people that are in my life for the mundane and the adventurous. I don't want to make my life about getting people together for the huge stuff and no support for the small things.

So I won't.

ReActivate

Jul. 25th, 2017 03:09 pm
sonochesono: The Rachel Maddow Show (Political: Rachel Maddow Show Sign)
[personal profile] sonochesono
The PADI ReActivate course is (currently) really common-sense. Then I just have to go by the dive shop I made my 'home' dive shop and see about getting dives set up with a Master Diver.

My thought is I'll 'ReActivate' all my past certifications first, then see if I can knock them all out in the same few dives. (I only had three.) Then I'll start getting involved with the dive clubs in Orange County.

Then after that I want to start doing specialty courses - especially wreck diver and cavern diver. But I'll probably focus on a few of the easier ones first, e.g. Underwater photography.




The flight school responded to tell me they don't sell dollar-value gift certificates online but if I visit them I can get a dollar-value gift certificate there. So what I'll do is go down there to do a tandem flight, and each time I do, I'll have $200-$400 to put on a gift certificate toward the P1 + P2 certification combo.




I was thinking about trying to apologize to Jordan and telling him he really doesn't need to avoid me at work. Like, my feelings will recover (I think they would have already if it hadn't been his avoidance at work.)

But I'd already told him that. So instead I guess I'll just try to practice MYOB: Mind Your Own Business. Eventually he'll either stop avoiding me, or one of us won't work in the shopping center anymore.




In the meantime... Time to go to work.

Many Faces

Jul. 25th, 2017 03:56 am
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
[personal profile] fayanora
Many Faces of Harry Potter, Chapter 34 is published!

Archive of Our Own isn't working for me right now, so just these two options for now:

FF.net

BigCloset


Start at Chapter One: "Feeling Sic" = AO3, FF.net, BC
stonebender: (Default)
[personal profile] stonebender
Today was supposed to be the day for my second dose of Spinraza. I showed up half an hour early to my appointment at the Stanford Neurological Clinic. Checked in and was sent to radiology. They told me that the second time should be easier. They had done the procedure successfully once. Documented where they had been successful and things were supposed to go more smoothly this time. Well I'm home and it's 9 o'clock-ish and I did not get the Spinraza today. The nurse, Connie tells me we can try again tomorrow, but if we are unsuccessful, I don't think I will be getting anymore medication.

Like last time, I was transferred from my wheelchair to a gurney. I had to wait a couple of hours because there was another person getting Spinraza ahead of me. I guess they're getting a lot more interest from people with SMA.

Around 11 o'clock they wheeled me into the room and transferred me to the cold hard table they use. They positioning me on my left side again and then I waited 10 or 15 minutes for the doctor to show up. Normally this isn’t a big issue I’m used to being patient and waiting for doctors, but laying on a flat surface is painful for me. My diagnosis causes contractures in my joints especially my hips and knees. So I don’t really do flat surfaces very well and making the surface hard doesn’t improve the situation.

Eventually the doctor showed and they finished positioning me and started taking pictures to decide the best site for the lumbar puncture. After 30 minutes or so they numbed me up and started poking. Now I want to be clear the staff at Stanford are really great to me. They were very thorough and professional this time. I just apparently have a uniquely fucked up spinal column. Even though they saw what looked like a very promising site for the puncture they kept hitting bone. Around an hour and 30 minutes I was starting to get in real pain. I had been in pain since they put me on the hard table and I was able to manage it but at this point I was starting to feel like couldn’t really take much more. I was even neglecting to report some pain from the puncture because it just didn’t really hurt as much as the rest of my body.

My shoulders ached, my hips hurt and the ribs on my left side were killing me. The doctors kept asking me to hang in there and Connie asked to give them five more minutes. They pulled out the needle, changed doctors and took another try at a whole new area of my spine. (After having made two attempts higher up on my back.) After another 30 minutes the doctor said she was very. very close and to hang in there. I tried for another 10 or 15 minutes and reluctantly pled uncle.

I was in agony. I was sweating. I was exhausted. Frustrated with myself and the universe for screwing around again. They rolled me on my back and eventually got me into my wheelchair. My worker, who came with me, had an appointment for her doctor at 2:30 in the afternoon. We hadn’t thought we would be at Stanford this long, but once I was done we rushed to the car and tried to get to Highland as soon as possible. We did manage to get her to the hospital about five minutes late and she texted us later to tell us the doctor saw her. So at least I didn’t screw her day up.

Connie said she would try to work something out. You see this drug has to be administered on a strict schedule once I had my first dose two weeks ago I have to have the next two doses in intervals of two weeks. However it turns out that I have one day leeway. I must get my next dose tomorrow or I think I need to start over again. I’m not at all sure I would get the approvals. I am the first person with Medi-Cal and Medicare who has been approved for the treatment. I was supposed to be the test subject. Connie said she'd call me later and she did. I have an appointment to try again tomorrow.

The problem is tomorrow I was supposed to have my caseworker do their annual review for my IHSS (which funds my personal care workers). I have never had to reschedule before but I had to reschedule in order to go to my original appointment. We rescheduled for the following day which of course now I can’t make. So I need to cancel again and hope they won’t be too upset.

I feel like I failed. I know intellectually I didn’t, but I think of myself as being pretty stubborn and I’m proud of that. Now, I gave up and I can’t help thinking I should’ve tried to hang in there a little longer. I really hope these treatments get easier or I don’t know how much of it I can take. Wish me luck tomorrow. And hope my caseworker doesn’t decide to screw me over.

That Dice-Rolling Hobby

Jul. 24th, 2017 10:09 pm
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[personal profile] tcpip
Apart from dealing with multiple medical issues that I've raised in previous posts, I have had the opportunity to engage in my favourite hobby othe weekend - traditional roleplaying games. On Friday evening I participated in what I call Eclipse Phase Mars, on the basis of its standard location (although most recently this has involved extrasolar gatecrashing etc). This particular group meets primarily on Google Hangouts with players in Western Australia, Vietnam, Victoria, and New Zealand. I've missed a couple of sessions of this game, partially due to technology issues (my computer screen was completey destroyed on my last trip to NZ, so I've been trying to work with a dinky Asus Aspire One), and partially because of international trips. Both of these have affected my ability to complete Papers & Paychecks; although I did release an update on Saturday morning following completing the bestiary section, and integration a number of significant changes, even this late in the publication process.

Saturday was also a regular CheeseQuest day with [livejournal.com profile] hathhalla and [livejournal.com profile] ser_pounce. Given the cool weather, our lunch feast consisted of a pumpkin gnocchi and Nova Scotia brown bread. The cheese feast included fried saganaki and halloumi, havarti, maasdam, gorgonzola, Dutch smoked, and two not-cheeses, a faux cheddar and "tree nut" cheese, which are quite tolerable. I was rather taken by the Devil's Corner pinot noir that our guests brought over, light but tasty and with a brilliant ruby colour. After lunch was the second session of our historical-fantasy Dungeons & Dragons game, using the very different 4th edition rules in the setting of Charlemagne's rule. The game went very well, everyone plays up their character ethno-religious background and character class, as they cleared out a old Roman-Germanic temple in Freisland haunted by Wiedergänger.

Sunday was also a gaming day, this time with my own game of Eclipse Phase. This session involved the PCs engaging in a short-case to an autonomist morph resleever on one of Neptune Trojans, then taking a stealth craft to intercept an Ultimate scout ship en-route to Eris. There was an almighty gun-battle that followed which eventually saw the PCs successful, and partially courtesy due an inside agent providing assistance at the last moment. After that was the challenging process of psychosurgery and the literal merging of minds. More on that for the next session. Appropriately I've started reading the two books entitled Dungeons & Dragons and Philosophy (one published by Open Court, 2012 and the other by Wiley Blackwell, 2014)

Family Drama

Jul. 23rd, 2017 02:29 pm
sonochesono: (DP: You and I (Sam to Danny))
[personal profile] sonochesono
Kevin, "Can you take me to Target?"
Me, "Okay, let's go now so I can sleep before my night shift."
Me, "Hey can you hide your [pot]? It's poisonous to cats."
Kevin, "No it's not."
Me, "Yes it is, you can look it up online."
Kevin, "Never mind, I don't even wanna go to CostCo and Target. I don't want to deal with the stress. I don't need this third degree."
Me, "I wasn't giving you the third degree, I was asking you to keep the pot--"
Kevin, "NEVER MIND."



Thirty Minutes Later After I've Come Home




Kevin, "Mind taking me to the gas station?"
Me, "You asked me to take you to Target. I agreed, and you changed your mind. I'm sorry you're stressed out, but I'm home now and planning to sleep before work."

And... Now he's screaming at everyone and throwing stuff. But maybe he'll realize this constant yanking on my chain is inappropriate. I'm not sure how much this works when the drug/alcohol abuser you're dealing with someone who ALSO has a personality and mood disorder.

He doesn't get it. We don't want him gone. We want him to get help. But letting his mood swings dictate all our decisions is not a solution.

In the 'getting out of this living situation' - since paying half the rent didn't work in giving me a better say in my living situation and Dad still forced us to let Kevin move back in - I'm thinking I could try moving to Anaheim? There's an ROP nursing program there, I wouldn't have to quit any job, and it's a good halfway point to Long Beach, too, which is where the CNA courses are hosted.

Room-searching scares me though. Lots of creepy advertisements. Then again, it can't be that much worse than living with my brother. Except the ads looking to rent a room 'for free' in exchange for being an 'FWB.'

Like... I know most men are not disgusting, most people are generally good (or at least well-intentioned), etc.

But there are some doozies when you're looking at ads searching for roommates.

Thoughts

Jul. 23rd, 2017 01:14 am
sonochesono: (TPATF: Ambitious)
[personal profile] sonochesono
So I was looking at bungee jumping tomorrow, or paragliding, but then I decided I didn't want to do things that would take hours of my day and make me tired for work that night.

Which is too bad, because it was so tempting.

Instead I'm going to try to go rock climbing tomorrow, and study up the certifications I'm 'ReActivating.'

I'd like to work on backpacking too. I was thinking I could start getting the gear, going to one of the local campsites on the weekend, and practice basics. Then I could do trips when I feel comfortable with the gear and believe I can make it a few days without running back to town.

A Star Has Fallen

Jul. 22nd, 2017 11:52 pm
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[personal profile] tcpip
"Fiery the angels fell; deep thunder rolled around their shores; burning with the fires of Orc"

Yesterday I was informed that an old friend and former housemate in the late 1980s and early 1990s, Erica W., had died of a stroke. For those that knew her, this has been a terrible shock. She was relatively young, and seemed so alive, and seemed to have so much to contribute to this world. It is a harsh reminder that friends can be lost at any time with the randomness of life.

When I first met her she and her partner at the time, James, were in their mid-teens. Intelligent, attractive, highly alternative, and very fashionable, they were already living together and regularly visiting local nightclubs, where they were very well-regarded for the characteristics mentioned. There was an especially amusing moment when a local newspaper printed her in a vox-pop what her preferred nightclub was - and mentioned her age in the credit.

"Morphology, longevity, incept dates"

Whilst in Perth we shared two households at different times - the first was the famous "accelerated house", a dilapidated duplex pair with questionable plumbing. Part of the duplex was the home of the Accelerated Men, a goth band of some repute. The place was wired up a local area network with a AlphaMicro AM-100, and came with its own stray cat (Velocity) which I adopted. Several years later, at the final place where I lived in Perth, we were in more normal accommodation. I could help but chuckle a little at my highly fashion-conscious housemates who could spend hours in preparation on going out. I also remember showing them the Internet at the time; a text-based interface to usenet groups. "This", I implored sagaciously, "is going to change everything". I don't think they quite believed me at the time, so it was with great fondness catching up with James just a couple of years ago, and recalling that moment, he said: "And you were right!".

At the time Erica was suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome, and despite being a witty conversationalist, was physically in the doldrums. A few years later however, and I suspect heavily because of the direction provided by our mutual friend Bruce T., there had been a complete change, as she had become quite a figure in the fashion industry and was running her own label and store, Alysian Empire. I still have some of their clothes to this day. Later she would go on to have another fashion label of even greater renown, ericaamerica.

In the post-Alysian Empire period we only caught up in person a couple of times, and more recently exchanged a few messages, courtesy of the 'borg of social media. Despite this we had the sort of friendship where years could literally go by and when we did get in contact our banter could continue as if no time had passed at all. It was a friendship built on mutual understanding and respect, of affirmation of each other, of strong and happy shared memories. The mention of her name in conversation would always brighten my day and bring me joy; but not this time.

"Tyrell had told me Rachael was special: no termination date. I didn't know how long we had together. Who does?"

Spiritual victim blaming

Jul. 22nd, 2017 12:52 am
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
[personal profile] fayanora
"What To Do When The Power of Positive Thinking Fails,
And How To Avoid Blaming Yourself When It Does"
By = Tempest Alexandria Arts

If you're at all involved in the New Age or pagan movements, you probably know that there are a lot of books out there about the power of positive thinking. There's no shortage of gurus ready to teach you all about how the universe really loves you and wants you to get what you want, and for a price they will teach you how to think in order to tap into this power. Because, as they quickly inform you, if you're confused about what you want or need, the universe will be too, which tidily explains why you aren't already rich and happy.

The power of positive thinking is real, of course, insofar as it can do amazing things because the human Will can do amazing things, but there are a major problems with this philosophy, and there are limits to what it can do that most of these gurus fail to address. First, the assumption behind why positive thinking works (that the universe loves you) works as a great excuse for why you need to be taught how to think positively (by buying their books or taking their expensive classes), but ultimately sets you up for failure. Secondly, it's a lot more difficult than the gurus try to make it seem, because the money is in providing a seemingly simple yet ultimately difficult and complex solution, so that you keep buying their books for more insight, more help. Third, it is far too easy to fall into the trap of victim blaming (especially victim blaming yourself) when it fails, which can become a vicious cycle. And fourth, the process can be made more difficult if you have conditions like clinical depression, PTSD, or bipolar disorder, and is not an easy process even without conditions like that. Hopefully, though, you will have a fair idea how to go about the process in a meaningful and realistic way, and be able to help yourself without expensive books or classes, after reading this article.

The central assumption behind the "power of positive thinking" in most New Age philosophy is that God/the universe/the Goddess loves you, and wants you to be happy, but that it can't do that if your thoughts are confused, or you aren't thinking the right way. The idea is that if you don't know what you want, the universe doesn't know what you want either. On the surface, it sounds reasonable and so innocuous, but there are real problems with it that don't really come to light until you've tried it for a decade or more and failed at it, and even then only if you realize there's a problem and stop to analyze it. Because ultimately, the philosophy as it is usually taught is doomed to failure, since the even deeper assumption is that the power of positive thinking can be learned by everyone, it just takes vigilance, and also because the way it is taught is full of flaws; flaws often left in on purpose or added in to begin with, since it makes selling more books easier.

The problem with that assumption that everyone can learn to wield the power of positive thinking is that it isn't true. Getting positive thinking to work for you as it should is one of those things that you can either figure out how to do or you can't, to various degrees. Take lucid dreaming as an example; some people can learn how to do it, and do it easily, others never figure out how to do it at all, still others only manage to lucid dream by accident, and reading books or taking classes doesn't really help much. Similarly, some people can learn to activate the full potential of positive thinking, others never manage it at all, and still others only ever do it by accident, or somewhere else along that spectrum. Books can help, at least in getting the process started, but they can only do so much, and most books on the subject are deeply flawed.

Furthermore, even if you do manage to change your thinking to be positive all the time, that alone may not be enough. The power of positive thinking is a kind of magick, and magick can only influence the odds of something happening, it is still up to other people to have opportunities available for you, and up to you to take said opportunities. After all, you can think as positively as you like in the middle of the Sahara desert, but that's not going to miraculously make water appear out of nowhere. And even if you find an oasis, you still have to walk towards it and drink from its waters; those waters will not come to you.

Now that's not to say the power of positive thinking isn't real, and can't do wonders. It can in fact work, but my stress here is on the can. It can work for you. But not because the universe loves you and wants you to be happy. That belief defies all the evidence. If the universe truly loved us and wanted us to be happy, we would all be immortal, eternally youthful, and eternally healthy, with either no need to eat, or with plenty of food readily available without the need for hard labor. There would be no more menstruation, and people would only be able to have kids if they really wanted to, and the planet would never get overcrowded.
Continues )

Skydive SCUBA dive

Jul. 21st, 2017 04:35 pm
sonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] sonochesono
I am literally taking the SCUBA refresher WHILE waiting to be suited up to skydive. #multitasking

LGBT book

Jul. 20th, 2017 08:09 pm
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
[personal profile] fayanora
I don't want to spoil anything, but for anyone looking for books with LGBT characters, one of the two primary protagonists of "Down Among The Sticks And Bones" by Seanan McGuire is a lesbian by chapter 9.

On a somewhat related note, the first four or five chapters of that book are an absolutely amazing and frankly horrifying depiction of how to royally mess up children. Without being malicious, the parents of Jacqueline and Jillian are worse than the Dursleys from Harry Potter!

Skydiving!!!

Jul. 20th, 2017 04:49 pm
sonochesono: (Avatar TLA: Toph Escatic)
[personal profile] sonochesono
I booked a skydiving trip for tomorrow!!

I'd been waiting to go in Monterey (world's highest tandem dive) but I'll try later in the year.

I'm also thinking about surfing lessons. I'd been wanting to a while. But I have two days off this week.

Then I'm also trying to figure out where I want to take photos this weekend.

Medical Matters

Jul. 18th, 2017 09:38 pm
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[personal profile] tcpip
It's been a curious past few days; I spent most of Saturday working on the course for the researchers at Orygen Youth Mental Health which I presented on Monday. It went extremely well; I provided an overview of high performance compute clusters, environment modules and job submission using their preferred applications (MRtrix, Matlab, Octave, R, and especially FSL and Freesurfer. They were a large and very switched on group, and it brought me great pleasure when I received some rather positive responses in person and in email.

On Sunday visited the Unitarians to hear a presentation by the president of Dying With Dignity to speak on the upcoming legistlation such matters. Last year to the state government committee I contributed two submissions from different organisations on the matter, and legislation is expected soon. In a less positive manner, an old friend of mine has just found his way into hospital and I suspect he's in the position that he might not be getting better. Three years ago he appointed me enduring power of medical attorney. To top it all off, [livejournal.com profile] caseopaya's mother has found herself in hospital as a complication arising from her continuing illness.

It surprises me that there are those who begrudge public revenue raising and expenditure on health, as if the wealthy have more of a right to live than the poor. Even using the criteria of the 'dismal science', economics, it is obvious that having people alive and well is not just a private benefit to the person in question, it is also a public benefit. The is equivalent matter here with education as well, and likewise the private-public benefit is a continuum which includes current and future productivity of the person in question. All of this, of course, on top of matter of being in a society that cares for its less fortunate.

On Memo and Guillermo del Toro

Jul. 16th, 2017 10:01 am
sonochesono: (Candy: Cadbury Mini Eggs)
[personal profile] sonochesono
So because of the Memory Lane trip Guillermo del Toro sent me on, I tried to look up Memo and see if he ended up marrying Andrea, or if they got engaged.

(Memo was always on a deadline to get married by the time he was twenty-eight, so I wanted to see if he was 'on schedule.')

I didn't see anything definitive. I hope they did, but on the other hand, I have a feeling if he got married he would blast wedding photos all over his FaceBook page and it would be in his status and in fact I probably would have somehow heard it even though there's literally no one we have mutual contact with anymore.

I might have to message him about this Guillermo del Toro thing. I don't think that would offend his sensibilities, lol. It's been a long time, but we never technically ended on bad terms. I just was honest and said hey, I don't think I can be friends with you right now.

(no subject)

Jul. 15th, 2017 06:06 am
numb3r_5ev3n: Mettaton NEO from Undertale (Default)
[personal profile] numb3r_5ev3n
I dropped off the map again for a couple of weeks to deal with some personal issues.

I went permanent at my job. I am now a regular employee again, after seven years of being a contractor - which in the USA is basically indentured servitude with few or no medical benefits, and no sick or vacation time, with dismissal at a moments' notice a cold, hard fact once the company one is indentured to is no longer meeting the bottom line.

I worked for two companies between 2010-2017, both of which worked me until I broke (I had depressive breaks/anxiety) and then threw me out like worn out light bulb. After having had the promise of permanent tenure dangled in front of me by both companies for seven years, and then yanked away, my newest position just gave it to me after three months of employment there.

I'm grateful and ecstatic, but I also weep for what this means for our current capitalist system. And I'm still dealing with the psychological fallout from the last two positions, over the last seven years.

Last summer, I felt so dehumanized - mainly over the fact that I had bronchitis for a month and was not allowed to take any sick time, and was then berated for how my performance suffered and then let go.

The American dream was dead for me, as it is for so many people...people who "punch down" instead of punching up, who blame those who are even less fortunate that they are instead of "the masters" (because they still envision themselves as being "a master" one day - as the quote attributed to John Steinbeck goes, America is full of "temporarily embarrassed millionaires.")

However, I have discovered that I need major surgery to correct the issue with my uterine fibroids, and when the surgery finally happens I will be out for six weeks. This was non negotiable. After I got caught up financially from my last period of unemployment, I went to the gyno finally to talk about my options. The pain has been getting worse over the past year.

I have told my boss. I am trying to save up enough money to cover expenses, as I have not been there long enough to apply for a leave of absence, and hoping that the pain is manageable until then.

The Strain - Guillemero Del Toro

Jul. 14th, 2017 10:02 pm
sonochesono: (Cats: Jack Yawn)
[personal profile] sonochesono
My brother introduced me to The Strain, an FX show. I'm going to avoid binge-watching it. But what I found interesting about it is that it's actually a show we both love, which is an unusual phenomenon. It was created by Guillermo del Toro, which is probably why.

Guillermo del Toro really makes me think of Memo. I think that was one of his biggest role models. But I like it regardless. Just, it has that little extra bit.

Last week I finally bought eczema lotion for my hands. They're not fully back to normal, but they're distinctively less lizard-looking. I have to be really on top of it though. This weather really brings it out.

Tomorrow I'm going to try an Al-Anon group. I'm not really sure what will become of it. I mean, yes, I live with an alcoholic, drug addicted person with a mood and personality disorder (who is in a mutually codependent relationship with another drug addict.)

I live with a person trying to protect, control, and change said person who has become codependent (if he wasn't already. I think he's been that way for as long as I can remember.)

And I've realized this is messing me up.

I know I need to get out, but it's not as easy as 1-2-3. There's the lease (through March). That's my deadline for getting some entry vocational skills and unloading any previous debt. I don't need to be making enough money to live 100% on my own without roommates next year. I just need to be on a career track.

Summoning objects in dreams

Jul. 14th, 2017 08:44 pm
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
[personal profile] fayanora
I've started to notice a new ability in dreams: summoning lost objects.

To explain: I have a lot of dreams where I'm carrying something and I set it down for some reason, only to turn around and it's gone because the geography of the dream has changed. I usually spend long minutes hunting around for the lost object until I either wake up or the dream changes and I forget about the object. But twice now that I know of, I have searched only a couple minutes before going "Fuck this" and summoning the object. Like part of my mind is aware it's a dream, and this affords me just enough power to summon the object.

The first time this happened, it was a bicycle. I wanted to bike up this nature trail because hey, in a dream I can do physical stuff without getting tired and without expending any effort, but I couldn't find where I'd parked my bike. After searching for a few minutes, I mentally went "Fuck this" and grabbed the air ahead of me, concentrating on the bike. Suddenly, I had the bike and I could go biking.

Last night, it happened again, a different dream and different situation. I had lost my umbrella this time, set it down on some steps that I couldn't find again later, and I needed it before I could leave the school building I was in (school dreams: depressingly common for me), and I searched maybe a whole minute before remembering my newfound dream power. I held up my hand, said "Accio umbrella!" and the umbrella was in my hand. I was thus able to leave the building and, whether coincidence or not, also woke up then.

Life without Dead Time

Jul. 14th, 2017 11:09 pm
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[personal profile] tcpip
The Situationists famously sought life without dead time and whilst I cannot say my own life fits the wild and tangential excesses of such bohemians, at least not in these elder decades, the past several days have certainly had their share of activity. Nevertheless I do worry sometimes that so much of my work these days - indeed these years - now falls under the category of 'boring but important'. Yet, much of this fits my intellectual disposition. I despair when I see people try to force the complex problems of reality into simply solutions, because these are invariably simply wrong, missing the issues of scope-appropriate solutions, partiality etc. It is not helped when the country's Prime Minister, of all people, remarked "The laws of mathematics are very commendable but the only laws that apply in Australia is the law of Australia", in the context of a debate on encryption.

Workwise the week started with the regular two days of Introduction to Linux and High Performance Computing and Shell Scripting for High Performance Computing. Not a bad group at all, and there were some plenty of awake individuals, especially on the second day. Later in the week spent a better part of a day carefully working through a particularly troubling install of Gaussian to ensure there had been no precision errors in compilation (their hadn't been, of course). Confirmation was received for a presentation at the HPC Advisory Conference, so there will be another visit to Perth at the end of the month. In addition an abstract has been put in for the Open Stack Summit in Sydney for November. Next week will be a training course for the neurologists at Orygen; I hold this one in very high regard - their work is extremely important.

In more social events, Wednesday night was our regular gaming session, and the second session of Andrew D's Megatraveller campaign, with an unexpected test of the combat system and the acquisition of a starship from religious fanatics. Thursday was the Bastille night evening and we had nephew Luke visiting. True to the day (or at least an educated peasant's version thereof), I cooked a pretty tasty coq au vin with a jug of French red, a selection of cheeses and fruit, and all to the sounds of Quatre mains pour une révolution. We provided a potted story of our journey, along with an exposition of the salacious tales of Serge Gainsbourg. Appropriately I have composed tonight my thoughts about Bastille day, and its contemporary relevance.

Current mood

Jul. 13th, 2017 07:45 pm
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[personal profile] fayanora
Current mood: smoldering embers impatiently awaiting kindling

Scifi poem

Jul. 13th, 2017 06:13 pm
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[personal profile] fayanora
I found this poem I wrote some unknown time ago. I was considering publishing it, but I wouldn't know where, and it's so much work for so long to do that, I just don't want to go to that much trouble when I could just hit "post entry." And it's such an amazing poem! Told from the perpective of... well, you'll see.


“The Brown, The Green, and The Black”
By = Tempest Alexandria Arts

The white man took the world, spreading out among its lands by sea,
Exploiting all they touched, stealing the land from the people already there.
They stole the New World from the natives, killing the Red Man,
Bringing the Black Man from Africa as slaves to work for them.

They went to China, spread drug addiction and misery, for their profit,
And India for spices they never use, spreading misery to the cradle of writing.
Every bit of land they could find they took for theirs,
Exploiting its people even into the 21st century.

The white man went into space, and found no resources, no people to exploit,
So they grew bored with it, for the most part.
Sure, they sent their robots out to fly by far-off worlds,
Touched the moon a few times with their men, but then stopped.
“There's nothing in space but black,” they said,
Upset they'd made no green.

When the people of India and China started going up there, they scoffed.
“We wasted all that money going up there; they're not learning from our mistakes!”
They told us all there was in space was rocks and more rocks,
Forgetting there was a time when all we had were rocks;
All they let us have as they raped our lands were stones.

Like weeds growing in the sidewalk, they tried to kill us off,
So they could keep our lands for themselves.
But like weeds growing in the sidewalk, we persisted.
For life would always find a way, and we still lived.

We found the barren rocks they'd abandoned,
And grew like weeds among them.
In the black, we – the brown – made green.
The green of growth, as we built giant rotating farms in the sky.

From India and China, from Japan, from Africa,
From the Middle East, from the New World,
All the brown and red and yellow, every color but white,
Worldwide, we came together and spread through the black,
Making stone soup, growing life among the stars.

The white man still owns the earth, but we own the stars,
With colonies on the moon, the asteroids, and Mars.
And the moons of Jupiter and Saturn, and beyond.
Millions of acres of farm and factory, raking in two kinds of green.
Feeding humanity, the breadbasket of the solar system is no longer earth.

And the white man? They are tourists with their cameras,
The old Japanese stereotype passed on to them,
As they marvel at all we've built, at all the green,
The same color they've become, with envy,
Because they were too 'yellow' to make green among the black,
Leaving that to the brown.
To us.
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